Part two of Libertwee News Radio’s first broadcast.
Our sister radio program Libertwee News Radio’s first broadcast. The only news you can trust, at all, ever, every Sunday night.
Breaking- A new drug addiction is sweeping across college campuses like the 2000 album No Strings Attached by frivolous boy band *NSYNC once swept across top 40 charts nationwide, in a simpler time. The drug, Pt2NdPt3, is more commonly known by its street name “Pete and Pete,” and is causing university professors and administrators trouble on a grand scale, and college-aged students love it.
“P&P” is a small, usually red pill that, when taken, makes the user feel as if they are living in a pre-9/11 America. Users frequently feel emotions like hope, determination, and in some cases even bliss, usually caused if users hear songs like “Hey Jealousy” or “Wonderwall.” Students who take this drug may believe there is a correlation between good grades and real-world success, and study hard and try their best in their academic lives.
Commonly users feel a sense of overwhelming optimism, as if they aren’t living in a crumbling empire on its way out from being the world’s only superpower. This is especially troubling when one considers that optimism was classified as a mental illness in peoples aged 18-25 in the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM in early 2006. It certainly troubles most major American universities.
“It’s definitely worse than the Adderall craze we saw a few years back,” dean of admissions at Harvard Law Cathy Thompson tells GDP, “because the side affects of the drug are more severe, and certainly seem to be longer-lasting.”
Dean Thompson is likely referencing the sharp increase of iTunes purchases of albums like the Spice Girl’s “Spice World” and Hootie and The Blowfish’s 1994 album “Cracked Rear View.” Pete and Pete users appear to do better academically, but at a severe social cost.
“My old roommate started taking it last year,” Cornell senior Danny Chang tells GDP. “He completely lost his preemptively world-weary attitude and cynicism. He actually started believing he would do better for himself than his parents did, you know?” Friends of users commonly report their friends acting like unemployment for millennials wasn’t hovering around fifty percent and failing to accept a life of invariable toil and ennui. “He was really, really sick,” says Chang.
Data showing sharp spikes in purchases of VHS players indicates the prominence of Pete and Pete use at major universities is still in an upswing, and may become epidemic by the end of this year. Harvard admissions dean Thompson remains worried about students genuinely believing their futures are bright, and also asking why Alanis Morisette hasn’t released a hit album in recent years.
“It’s really troubling to see students suffer like this.”
Reports say the harbinger of the End Times entered his horse “Mayan Rudolf” into the prestigious competition “For a little practice before the big day.”
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) has been recalled today by the Toyota automobile company, due to what one company executive described as “faulty breaks.”
“It’s embarrassing, releasing something this potentially dangerous to the public,” the executive’s statement read, “But we rectified the situation as soon as we could.”
Tune into CSPAN Election Coverage at 6pm to watch Jose make an fool of himself per the usual.
|disgruntled gop voter:||i really like this huntsman guy|
|GDP:||oh why's that|
|gop voter:||oh well he's for civil unions, believes in global warming, has government experience in the last three years, he's pretty moderate, and tries to reach across the aisle|
|GDP:||oh, so barack obama|
|gop voter:||no fuck that guy|